Friday, September 24, 2010

just a thought....

you know, i really thought i was just going to quit this whole blogging thing...
i just have so little 'free time' these days. and when i do have a few minutes the very last thing i want to do is sit at my computer. also, sometimes i feel like life is _____ enough (fill in the blank with long/hard/frustrating/painful/busy....) just living it, why do we have to re-live it by making a post about it?
but i just had a thought i needed to get out.
so, i'm back to blogging, at least for the few minutes that it takes me to get this thought out.

first, some background: i just signed on to facebook to send someone a message, and i happened to see a new post from a young girl who was in my cabin at UPBC a few years back when steve and i led BEAR camp (outdoor leadership camp). let's just say her name is jill (it is not). jill was very sweet in the way that 15 year old girls can be. she was young and fresh and silly and loyal. and i could tell she really liked me. we had a great time together that week, our little cabin of silly teenage girls. and after camp was over jill and some of her friends wrote my a couple little notes. in pink pen. with little flowers drawn on. and i happened to see them a few times at church when they were visiting, and they were so excited to see me and how was i? and oh jackson is so so cute! and i enjoyed seeing them too.

when i was 15 i had a few 'older' women friends too. similarly, some youth leaders, camp counselors. and i can totally remember the way i looked up to them. and i wrote them notes. in pink pen. with flowers. and for the most part, even though i knew they liked me too, i always felt a little bit like they didn't like me as much as i liked them. and why didn't they write back? and why, when i saw them half a year after camp did they seem a little tired and not as silly as i had remembered them in the late nights of july?

and what i know now is that it wasn't anything about me. it was just life. i just saw jill's new pictures on facebook and my heart felt kind of sad that i haven't kept up with her, and she's in college now, and i wonder if she's figured some things out that she didn't know when she was 15. i wonder if she still thinks boys are weird, and if she still adores her big sister like i could tell she did that summer.

i am so burdened with keeping up. and there just isn't enough time in the day. and what's most important right now is taking care of my family, and that requires so much time, and love, and energy. and at least i am doing that well, but it's hard to not feel like i have much left at the end of the day, especially for all the other people in the world that i love.